Pen Pals

I've said it before and I'll say it again, dating apps leave little to be desired in so many ways. Aside from the awful small talk which inevitably starts the same way with pretty much everyone new you match to, you never know if the small talk will lead to an actual date or a long text thread with someone you'll never meet, or worse, just a few exchanged messages that lead nowhere.

I assume you've had similar experiences to me where you have a great connection with someone via text but you never actually get to that first date, or if you do, you learn they're just visiting or moving in the near future.

Seems like most of the people I've matched stick around or come back at some point and I'm not entirely sure why. Is it out of boredom? Is it that they feel a small spark and want to continue the conversation or perhaps they hope eventually the talking with lead to long-lasting love?

As of now, I have pen pals in several states and countries and while most have turned out to be new friends, some still flirt as if there's a chance that we'll one day have something more whether it be physical or actual love.

Let me be clear here... if you've never met assume the person is either not real or stringing you along for whatever reason that best serves them. They're not concerned with what you're looking for, otherwise, they'd ask. Sounds harsh but it's true, and yes, some do turn into acquaintances but when starting out on a dating app, I don't have much hope that these will be friends whom you can count on like you would with friends who you maintain a relationship with both in person and via text, etc.

There are a couple of reasons people love to have pen pals,

• They aren’t really ready to date, they're just testing the waters to see who might show some interest.
• Anxiety. Let's face it, these days a lot of us suffer from social anxiety and while it might sound like a good idea to meet up when the time comes, they might have second thoughts. In this case, I kind of get it. However, when this is the reason, it's good to say it. Most people will understand and give a little grace to those who voice it and share where they're coming from.
  I've had a few friends who recently ended a relationship and dating sounds like a good way to get back on the horse, so to speak. Then when date night approaches, they overthink it and decide to cancel.
• Looking for attention? Are in a relationship already that doesn't feel fulfilling or is lacking in someway? Pen pals give you an easy way to connect with others in a flirty way and might even lead to sexting to fill the hole their relationship is lacking in.
• Leading you on is enough satisfaction for their ego. When you get a match, the chemicals in your brain give you that feel-good boost, so when you get that text from your crush it's the same. For some, that's enough to keep them engaged and around but not enough to actually give them the courage to take the step and meet in person.

In summary, whatever the reason...it's a waste of time and energy. You're talking to someone who couldn't care less about the personal details you've shared or think far enough in the future to realize what they're doing isn't on the up-and-up. Some don't even know what they're doing because it's become a habit for them and technically, these types are only thinking about what they're getting from it.

Anxiety is possibly the only reason I'd forgive someone for stringing me along and that's if they're honest about it. To ease into the first in-person date, we have this thing called FaceTime now. You can have a face-to-face call with someone to see if you vibe before taking the plunge and if you're not quite ready for that a simple phone call goes a long way.

It's time, to be honest with yourself about what you're looking for even if you're the one igniting the pen pal situation. Take a moment to turn inwards to check yourself. You might find you're not ready for what you thought you were seeking.