The Process is a MotherF*cker

No one tells you that grief is one of those emotions you have to navigate yourself. They say there’s a process but no one has the same experience with one person as another. It’s just not possible. Even siblings sharing parents will have separate memories, different feelings, and a totally different process.

Whereas some shutdown, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. For those that know me, know I’m not someone who gets easily stirred or loud but the anger is overwhelming and I want to purge it from my body.

With the death of my father recently these new raw emotions are something I’ve never experienced. It feels like a gaping wound, scrubbed with salt that I can’t escape. It sits with me always but burns in waves causing tears and exhaustion that overwhelm me. I want lay on the sand and let the waves wash over me in hopes it would cleanse me. You see, we can’t see what we need to at the time and all the should-ofs and could-ofs are gone. There’s no more chances, it’s done and the door is closed.

I can never hug him or look him in eye again and I have to just sit with it now and somehow come to terms with the loss.

Because I’m in a dark place and this is a book blog (not a post about books) who better to reach out to for advice than @darkmarktarryn. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect since it just happened to be Tuesdays with Tarryn and you bet I reached out and asked how I could better process his passing and not getting to say goodbye.

She had the best advice that couldn’t have been said any better “Grief is feeling around in the dark…touching objects to find comfort…finding no comfort…and then learning to live with the discomfort”.

Now that the tears are rolling, I’ll leave it here for now.